Don't Make Me
by Kenta Divina
Summary: Nanao has been broken. Every day she must face her mistake. It may drive her mad. For BlackVelvetBand's challenge.
1. Don't Make Me

Author's Note: I had the sad thought of, what if Nanao was right? What if Shunsui was only looking for a conquest? Then this came to life. BlackVelvetBand, this is for you! I guess it would fall under the 'drama' category.

Don't Make Me…

The door to the Eighth Division slid open and shut in the gray morning light. No one heard the light footfalls, or the whisper of cloth that crossed the parade ground. The birds themselves were only just rousing from their sleep and a few chirped in surprise.

The inner court door snapped shut.

Violet eyes darted around the dimly lit office. Taking a moment to remove her glasses, Nanao cleaned them briefly with the handkerchief taken from her sleeve. Slipping into the division kitchen, she poured a glass of cold water. At this time in the morning, she'd prefer hot tea, but didn't want to sacrifice the precious minutes it would take to set a pot to boil. This was her moment of sanctuary.

Carrying the glass to her desk, she lit a small candle with a snap of her fingers and burst of riatsu. Burying herself in the monotonous paperwork that had become the rhythm of her life, she almost jumped at the sudden clatter of tabi crossing the courtyard as the regulars began making their way in to the office.

She had about three more hours. Nanao glanced at the remaining heaps of paperwork and frowned. It would take another day to complete all the forms from the latest sake drinking party and resulting damage reports. She'd been filling out the same kinds of sheets for the past three months – not that she had any right to complain. She had lost that right a long time ago. This was her penance. Her purgatory. She accepted it with bowed head.

Few dared to interrupt her. The piles of paper slowly migrated across the desk. The candle burnt out, but the light filtering through the rice paper door served its purpose. One subordinate that did have the nerve to knock was forgiven for bearing a cup of green tea – a small blessing in her living agony.

Heavy footsteps fell in the hallway.

She waited for the sickening plunge of everything vital inside. It happened every day and she'd hoped that the pain of every drop would eventually fade. It never did. She had mastered a new art.

She was stone.

"Nanao-chan! Time for lunch!"

The door slid open and the Captain of the Eighth Division breezed in with a sickening swirl of pink flowers and steel. He smiled his traditional ape of a grin and gloried in snatching her brush from her hand.

"Come sweet Nanao! We can't have our favorite Vice-Captain waste away!"

"I am your _only_ Vice-Captain, sir." She replied with deliberate double-edged coldness.

"All the more reason to keep you healthy. Now come down to the Division lunch."

Nanao pulled a spare brush from her desk and re-inked it. "I shall in a moment. Unless you are making it an order, sir."

A flicker of a frown crossed the lazy sea of brown of his eyes. She hated herself for even noticing. There was no satisfaction. It only brought into sharper relief how well she knew him, and yet how little she understood of him.

"No, of course not. But I do want you to eat something. You have been looking a bit pale lately."

Deliberately signing her name at the bottom of a bill, she set it on top of one of the piles to her left. "Sir, the last party you _sponsored_ has cost this division a great deal of money and personnel."

He had the grace to look embarrassed. "Er, well, it was Emi-chan's death-day."

"And you feel like it is the division's responsibility to have a drinking party for every member's death-day? The entire Soul Society would be broken."

He frowned. "I was drunk!"

_Stone… I am stone._

"That is only an excuse."

The grin returned. "Ah, so what is your excuse for when you threw -"

Nanao set her bento box lunch down on the desk with a _thump_. "I have my lunch, sir."

He blinked in surprise. "I didn't know you cooked."

"I do, so please enjoy yourself with the others."

She set her brush aside and started to unwrap the bento. Shunsui watched her for a moment until she raised an eyebrow at him, careful to keep her thoughts locked away from his searching gaze. It was only logical that if she could read him, he would be able to do the same. There were times when she almost hoped that he felt half of the guilt that wracked her every waking and sleeping moment. But then, hope is what brought her the guilt.

"Won't you join us, Nanao-chan?"

"Sir, I have work that needs to be completed by tonight."

He sighed dramatically. "Ah well, I shall have to dine without the warming presence of my dearest."

Something in her chest twisted. She ignored it and picked up her chopsticks. When Shunsui had closed the door behind him, she silently replaced them and set the box aside.

Bitterly, she whispered, "You've had too many _dearests_."

Suddenly she felt the air around her compress. Desperate, she snatched up her lunch and flash stepped through the entire division to the outer edges of the main court. By pure luck, no one seemed to notice her undignified retreat.

Furious with herself, Nanao fell to her knees in a modestly wooded area. Casting a quick kudo spell, she ensured her privacy before burying her head in her arms and sobbing. Three months of torment poured out, fogging her glasses even as they cut into the bridge of her nose.

She had hoped.

She had dared to try.

She had had everything crushed with hardly a second glance.

Even with all the evidence before her screaming the truth, she had, for the first time in her life, willfully overlooked the facts.

She had no one to blame but herself.

Only those closest to her ever noticed a change. Her captain chose to overlook the strange reserved nature that saturated the air around her. Everyone else still only saw the confident, unbendable Vice-Captain that somehow managed to keep her division afloat. Even if anyone else had noticed the subtle change in her riatsu, only her unlikely best friend Matsumoto had dared to bring up. She brought it up only once.

It had been one night she would never forget, whether out of affection, or out of loathing. One night when she had been caught off guard by her Captain's advances and been swept up in the novelty of a kiss. He had taken it all, and she had relented.

He hadn't stayed and her darkest nightmare became truth.

Two days later, she had seen him with his arms around a woman from a local ramen shop. Three days later, she had seen him give her the same smile he had left with her. Her heart had silently shattered. The pieces continued to work themselves deeper inward.

Nanao tried to swallow her undignified hic-ups while wiping her face with her handkerchief. For the first time in her life, she seriously considered playing hooky and leaving work for the day. She couldn't, of course, if she wanted to keep up the image that nothing had changed between the Captain and her, but the idea was tempting.

A tapping outside her kudo shield made her jerk.

Author's Note: This came out of the pressure that is haunting me since I've moved to Japan. It'll be longer but regular updates might be hard, as I have to upload from work.


	2. Don't Make Me Say

_Show me mercy. Show me grace._

_Cut me loose so I can drift away._

_Don't give me questions that pull me in._

_Don't make me think on what might have been._

_Give me answers. Let me cry._

_I'll scream out loud and let it die._

_I don't want to love you anymore._

Don't Make Me Say…

The power of the kudo shield distorted the figure beyond. Nanao squinted and sighed before lowering the barrier. Propping her arms on her knees, she deliberately hid most of her face from the solemn gaze of Matsumoto. The buxom female sat down in the grass, neatly folding her legs to the side as she sat staring in the same direction into the trees. They sat in silence, wind playing with the leaves overhead.

Nanao removed her glasses with one hand and gave her face a swipe with her uniform sleeve.

"You could say 'I told you so' and I wouldn't blame you." Her voice shook.

Matsumoto fingered the metal loop around her neck. "No, I couldn't. Honestly, I didn't expect it to turn out like this. I knew he was a player but…" The strawberry blond slowly leaned against her friend. "I wanted it to work – for both your sakes."

Nanao's back stiffened. "It was a mistake."

Matsumoto sighed, "Perhaps, but was it really so bad? I mean, for as long as I've known you, you've never had a serious relationship."

"Do you mean the physical part?" Nanao felt herself flush and shuddered at the sudden racing of her heart. "It was better than anything I could have imagined. It was what didn't come after…"

Matsumoto abruptly drew back, almost sending Nanao tumbling on the ground. "You were really that serious?"

Gathering herself, she sent her friend a glare. "Rangiku, when have I ever not been serious?"

Matsumoto shrugged, "I just thought you knew the possibilities."

"I knew… I knew and I ignored them. And now I feel like I'm dying every time I see him"

"Tell him."

"Why? So that he can laugh, pat my head, or even worse – declare another woman won?"

"Nanao, he is someone who actually can't stand to be hurt. He has so many walls…"

"I won't tell him."

"Why not?"

Nanao clenched her hands in her lap. "It hurts too much."

Her mouth open to utter a quick retort, Matsumoto took in the drawn features and tense stance of the other woman. She sighed. "It always does."

Again they sat in silence. Nanao knew that her Captain would be wondering about her whereabouts, but decided she didn't care. Perhaps for this one afternoon she would ignore duty.

She stood and gathered her uneaten lunch. Giving a bow to Matsumoto, she straightened her glasses. "If you meet the Captain, please tell him I…"

She couldn't say she was ill, for he'd only seek her out. She couldn't say she wanted the day off because she'd already refused his lunch invitation based on her work.

"Please tell him I am on my way."

Matsumoto gave her a pout. "Just play truant for the day. No one would blame you."

Nanao shook her head. "Thank you, Rangiku."

Her friend gave her one of her rare looks – one that cut through all pretenses. "Nanao, you can't keep running from this. You work together. It will either drive you crazy, make you a drunk, or you'll have to resign."

Clutching her bento, Nanao bowed again. "I am aware of that."

"I wouldn't have lasted three months." The blond tossed her head. "I would have busted his eardrum and his nuts."

That startled a laugh out of her. "I wish I had your nerve."

As she started walking away, her friend called out one more question, "Will you ever tell him?"

She hesitated, eyes fixed on the ground. "I don't know."

The streets of Soul Society were full of the usual afternoon bustle. A few of the Eighth called out greetings to their Vice-Captain as they passed, others only nodded respectfully.

Nanao absently replied and returned the salutations while mentally trying to resort the various tasks that still waited. With her extended lunch, she knew that she would be in the office all night. She smiled bitterly. Perhaps if she let herself be late for once, she could give herself a full second day of avoiding her Captain by extending the paperwork. It was rather cowardly, but she was beyond caring.

Out of all her options, she realized that eventually she would have to resign. She couldn't be running off to have a break down whenever the need arose. For all her Captain's blindness, her behavior would eventually be questioned and need explanation. Explanation she knew would destroy what semblance of a relationship they had.

Her eyes felt dry.

Ducking behind a restaurant, Nanao turned on the water spigot next to the back door. Wetting her hands, she propped her glasses on her forehead and moistened her eyelids. A bucket caught the excess water under the spout. She checked her appearance in her reflection, adjusting her glasses, tucking a stray hair behind her ear and straightening the collar of her uniform.

"Nanao-chan has been rising too early and leaving too late for work."

She jerked upright from leaning over the bucket. It took her two tries to answer.

"You have been lax in your duties, sir."

"No more than I ever have."

She could feel his gaze sweeping over her. Eyes widening in horror, she realized that she wasn't carrying her book or fan.

_I am stone._

"Sir."

He was smiling. She could hear it in his voice. "I thought you were locking yourself away in the office. Instead I find you hiding away in an alley."

Something in her snapped at the playful tone. She was tired of the banter. She was tired of the charade that was her life. Throwing away the facts brought her this pain, perhaps facing them now would end the torment.

Nanao stared down at herself in the water at her feet. "I don't see how you can act like nothing happened between us."

The statement threw him. It gave her a small sense of satisfaction mixed with exasperation that he had thought she would just let the matter slide.

But then… hadn't she considered it?

"I thought it was what you wanted. I think we both knew it would have happened eventually. In my experience, when a woman says or does one thing, it's usually the other way around."

"And that's the problem, isn't it?" She replied bluntly. "Your experience."

"Nanao, I thought –"

"If you thought you knew what I wanted, then we wouldn't be here right now. You thought only of what _you_ wanted. Nothing more."

"That's not true."

She turned fiercely on him, eyes blazing with hurt and pride. "Isn't it? You left when it was over. You didn't even wait till morning. You," she choked, "you used me and moved on before I had time to catch my breath."

Tears were streaming unheeded down her face.

Shunsui was staring at her like a complete stranger. And really, they were strangers to one another even after so many years. They didn't know one another at all. Wide eyed, he took a few steps towards her in the narrow path.

"Nanao –"

She didn't want to hear excuses. She didn't want explanations. She just wanted it all to end. He knew. He knew that her heart was broken. Whether he'd accept that or whether he'd ignore it, she couldn't endure a second longer in his presence.

"Captain, I really can't deal with this right now. I'm filing for a leave of absence. I know you hate paperwork, so I'll delegate responsibilities before I go."

She gave him a bow that was far shorter than his position required. "Excuse me."

When his large hand caught her by the wrist she expected it. He pulled her back a step, but she held herself away from him when he tried to draw her closer.

In a voice she'd never heard from him before, he said, "I'm sorry I hurt you. But you never gave me any other reason to stay. You never asked, or I would have."

Nanao couldn't look him in the face. She slipped her hand from his and turned her back.

"I let you in. That should have said enough."

She left him standing alone in the alley.

Author's Note: It's such a sad thing… but completely plausible. To be honest, something like this happened to me. It didn't get to this point, but it hurt. The last part will be up in a couple days. Do leave a review!


	3. Don't Make Me Say 'I Love You'

Don't Make Me Say 'I Love You'

The leave of absence was extended.

A desk gathered dust.

Sake bottles lined up like fat soldiers down the hallways.

Steps were taken to find candidates for a new Vice-Captain of the Eighth Division.

Rumors flew all over Soul Society.

Captain Shunsui had finally won over the stoic Ise Nanao, but destroyed the only working relationship he'd ever been known to have. Division Eight itself was under internal debate. Some lauded their Captain, others were covertly angry. Still another fraction only shook their heads and muttered that it had been only a matter of time.

The Vice-Captain herself vanished. Any attempts made to find her retreat were met with failure. There were no more spontaneous sake parties in the dining hall. The soldiers went about their duties, nodding quietly to one another as they passed the door to their Captain's rooms. Shunsui could be found sleeping under his favorite tree, or on the roof clutching a sake bottle in one hand. Not that those things were unusual, but they were now accompanied with slumped shoulders and dull eyes. Off duty, he trained alone in a clearing, wielding his swords with surprising grace. Rarely did he visit the past haunts of bars or pleasure quarters. In short, the notoriously lazy leader became one of the finest soldiers of the Soul Society.

He relapsed with alcohol every now and again. Old habits are hard to break.

His only regular casual company was that of his faithful friend and fellow captain, Ukitake Jyuushiro, and drinking partner, Rangiku Matsumoto. What was said between them never became public knowledge. The only whisper of gossip was that Matsumoto knew where the missing Vice-Captain was. Shunsui had thrown her out of a small bar one winter's night after hours of hard drinking. Witnesses declared he had been roaring at her to tell him where his 'Nanao-chan' was.

The woman had only laughed hysterically and wandered off. He hadn't followed.

Over time, the crisis passed.

A replacement was found for the Vice-Captaincy. A stoic young man filled the roll without fuss, organizing the entire office to even the load. He gave the Division a budget for their parties, posted on a large board in the main hall. He handled the forgotten formalities of the Captain with a calm face, but drew a sharp line in regards with deadlines. His method of persuasion was to dock the Division budget. With the favor of the entire company depending on him, Shunsui finally kept to his duties in a timely manner.

He rose in respectability. He made a name for himself. No one knew that behind the fame was a purpose.

A century later, he too vanished.

"Ise-san, Ise-san! My mother sends some veg-vegi-tables to you."

A six-year-old struggled with the bamboo basket on his back. "I tried to keep them clean."

The door to a tiny cottage slid open. A thin lady wearing a dark blue yukata dusted in wispy white blossoms paused to slide on a pair of geta. Her hair was neatly tied back with a kerchief. She smiled at the child.

"Thank you, Yoshi! You did such a good job, bringing them up the path by yourself."

Yoshi smiled shyly. "I'm getting stronger too! I only tripped once."

"You certainly are! It won't be too long before you're just as strong as your brother." She bent to help take the basket from its precarious perch across the boy's shoulders. "How is he?"

Plopping down in the grass along the pathway, Yoshi gave her a grin that showed a missing tooth. "He's still mad that he couldn't handle that Hollow by himself."

The lady laughed. "Tell him to keep coming to my house when he can. I'll help him with his kudo spells."

"Thank you, Ise-san! He really likes coming. He says you know more than the village master! Is that true?"

Nanao's smile took on a sad tone. She knew that Hollows had beset the village hidden in the valley below for the last few years before she arrived. The kudo master there was an old man. It wasn't that his knowledge was limited, but his spirit was simply not strong enough. She took up residence in the small cottage a short distance from the small settlement and earned her respect and food after one rather harsh incident involving three Hollows trampling through the rice fields. That had been over fifty years ago.

"I wouldn't say that I know more than he does. My power levels are simply greater."

The boy shrugged. "Well, I want you to teach me when I get bigger."

Nanao ruffled his hair. "Certainly, just stay out of trouble and out of the way of Hollows before then."

Yoshi popped to his feet and started back down the trail, calling over his shoulder, "Yes ma'am! Bye Ise-san!"

Nanao shifted the basket on her hip. "Thank your mother for me!"

She ducked back through the door to her home and set the vegetables on the counter. An open book on the low table in her living room ruffled its pages in a cross wind. The pair of glasses resting next to the pages twinkled in the sunlight that fell in from the open back door. Frowning, she moved to close it.

"I thought I had shut that."

Reaching the doorway, she caught sight of her well. The wooden cover had slipped sideways, leaving her drinking water exposed. Huffing, she slid her shoes back on and made her way outside muttering, "I must be getting old - forgetting things."

She replaced the well cover and turned.

A large figure was leaning against the back wall of her house in a dusty farmer's garb and a dark straw hat drawn down over the face. For a split second, her breath caught strangely. Then Nanao sighed, and marched down towards the stranger. Reaching out to pull the hat off, she smiled,

"Tatsuke, your brother was just here."

She froze.

"Nanao." A voice she had longed to hear trembled in the air. She stared disbelieving.

Shunsui's dark hair was shot through with silver and clipped neatly. Gone was the ponytail and five-o'clock shadow. Instead, a narrow, well-groomed beard graced his strong jaw. The hair at his temples was almost white. His eyes were the oldest, searching her face with an almost primal hunger.

She tried to say his name but nothing emerged. Her heart was beating so hard that it hurt. Clutching at the collar of her yukata, she felt the ground start to tilt. Then he was there – hands carefully holding her upright. The shock of touch brought her back to her senses.

"Kyouraku-san."

There was a trace of reassurance in feeling his hands shaking at her elbows. She watched his tanned throat work against the coarse white of cotton work cloths, unable to look him in the face.

"Nanao, please forgive me." His fingers tightened. "Please… I don't deserve it, I know. Ever since you left I've been lost."

Nanao struggled to somehow pull her scattered wits back together. He was leading her slowly into the house, but she resisted. Sitting down on the small bench next to the door, she held up a hand to cut him off.

"How did you find me? It's been two centuries since I resigned. Rangiku was sworn to secrecy."

He sighed, "It wasn't easy. I used every contact I had, and some I made specifically to help track you down."

"Why?" Her fingers clutched the edge of the wooden seat.

"Because I needed to find you."

The thickness in his voice drew her eyes up. They stared at one another in heavy silence. When he moved to kneel in front of her, she didn't flinch, even as he pressed a hand to the bench on either side of her.

"Why?" She challenged.

The dark brown eyes she knew better than her own were outlining every angle of her face.

"You aren't wearing your glasses anymore."

She flicked him hard on the bridge of his nose. He yelped, then smiled shamefacedly, "You want me to say it, don't you."

Nanao gave him one of her old glares. "Sir, I _will_ disappear again."

He answered with one of his old smirks and leaned in. "You can't, Nanao-chan. There is no rank between us now. There is no experience between us. Ever since you left, I've devoted every waking moment to finding you again. I've wanted to hear your voice, to see your irritation at disorder, to see those eyes, and to have the chance I don't deserve."

His face was centimeters away. Her hands were knotted in some material not her own and she vaguely realized that she was holding on to his shirt for dear life.

"Dear Nanao, will you forgive a fool who was too afraid to let anyone love him? Will you give me a chance to prove myself to you?" His voice dropped to a whisper. "Will you let me say, I love you?"

Her only response was to close those the last breath of space between them. She kissed him with all the pent up frustration and hunger left behind in another lifetime. He hesitated for only a moment before returning her turmoil with his own.

Pure joy rushed through her, cleaning away two hundred years of doubt and anger. She remembered that one night in every detail. She remembered, and wanted to relive. Time no longer mattered.

When they finally drew apart, Nanao looked at her heart's desire and smiled.

"You came – That said enough."

The End

Author's note: I wanted to laugh and cry at this ending. I don't really know why – it was the plan all along. Would I do the same? I don't know.

Thank you, dear reviewers!


End file.
